Why Are You Hiding From Me?

What to Do When Someone Isn’t Giving You Their Real Self

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” – Oscar Wilde

I’ve written at length about the importance of being authentic—leading with integrity, embracing vulnerability, and showing up as our true selves. But what about the other side of that equation?

What happens when someone else isn't giving you the real version of themselves?

Or worse—what if the version they think is real is just a wrecking ball of unchecked emotion wrapped in the phrase:

“I’m just being honest. Sorry if you can’t handle it.”

This is where authenticity gets messy.

---

🔍 First, Let’s Define the Two Extremes

1. The Polished Pretender
These are the people who smile too much, agree too often, and give you the version of themselves they think you want. You sense the mask. You feel the performance.

2. The Blunt Force “Authentic”
These are the “I am who I am” types. No filter. No edit. No empathy. They confuse bluntness with bravery and turn honesty into a weapon.

You can’t lead either effectively until you understand why they show up the way they do.

---

🧠Mental Judo: Influence Without Force

In judo, the goal isn’t to overpower your opponent — it’s to use their momentum against them. You redirect, not resist. You leverage, not lash out.

That same mindset works in leadership and communication. When someone isn’t showing up authentically — or when they’re showing up too brutally real — your job isn’t to slam them with your own authenticity. It’s to use their energy as an opening.

Let’s break this into two forms of mental judo:

---

⚖️ 1. When Someone Is Holding Back

Their mask isn’t the enemy. It’s a defense mechanism.

Mental judo in this case means:

• Redirecting fear into curiosity

“Can I ask—what’s been your experience sharing openly in settings like this?”
This disarms defensiveness and makes the conversation about their past, not their current behavior.

• Using their own signals as leverage

“You seem thoughtful. I get the sense there’s more you’re thinking than saying. I’d love to hear it—if you’re open.”
Here, you’re not accusing them of being fake—you’re affirming their inner depth and inviting it out.

• Leaning into awkward pauses
  Most people rush to fill silence. You don’t. You leave space. Silence is your judo move. It tells them: You can go deeper. I’m not going to interrupt. I can handle the truth.

• Exposing vulnerability through story
  Instead of asking “What’s the real you?”, show them your real self.

“I used to always answer questions in meetings like I had it all figured out. Truth is, I was terrified of sounding dumb.”
That confession is a nudge. It makes their mask feel less necessary.

---

🧨 2. When Someone’s “Authenticity” Turns Explosive

The “I just say what I feel” crowd often barrels forward unchecked. They confuse truth with impact, and freedom of speech with freedom from consequence.

Mental judo here is trickier — you don’t fight fire with fire. You redirect their fire into insight.

Try this:

• Redirect their bluntness into responsibility

“I know you value directness. Can we talk about how it lands with others? Because your intent is clear—but the impact might be limiting your influence.”
You’re using their desire to be honest to make them reflect on their desire to be effective.

• Elevate the conversation to shared purpose

“If the goal is growth, how we say things matters as much as what we say.”
This is a strategic deflection — it moves them from defensiveness into shared outcomes.

• Ask questions that require empathy

“If someone said that to you, how would you receive it?”
Empathy questions short-circuit the blunt talker’s reflex to double-down.

• Don’t push back—pivot back
  Instead of saying, “You’re being harsh,” say:

“That’s one perspective. Want to explore a different one together?”
Their aggressive momentum gets absorbed and redirected into a joint exploration.

---

🧠 The Core Principle of Mental Judo

When someone is either too guarded or too aggressive:

• Don’t challenge their identity → Reinforce their strengths

• Don’t call out their behavior → Call up their potential

• Don’t meet force with force → Redirect their energy to something higher

Whether someone is hiding in silence or hiding in bluntness, mental judo helps you reveal the real, without forcing the issue or fracturing the relationship.⚖️ Two Sides of the Same Coin

Whether someone is hiding behind a smile or a sledgehammer, both are forms of emotional avoidance.

• The people-pleaser avoids discomfort by keeping things surface-level.

• The blunt talker avoids discomfort by rejecting responsibility for how they affect others.

And here’s the kicker: Both are afraid.
One is afraid of being disliked.
The other is afraid of being vulnerable.

Authenticity isn’t just truth. It’s truth plus self-awareness.

---

🧭 A Quick Recap

What to do when someone is being inauthentic or too intense:

• Start with empathy. There’s always a story beneath the behavior.

• Invite, don’t demand, authenticity.

• Model the kind of honesty that helps—not hurts.

• Interrupt the “I’m just being real” excuse with boundaries and curiosity.

• Remember: honesty without compassion isn’t authenticity—it’s ego.

“If being yourself means hurting people with no remorse, maybe it’s time to find a better version of yourself.”

---

Matt DiGeronimo is a writer, thinker, and leadership strategist who simplifies the complex and challenges conventional wisdom. Please message me for public speaking or collaboration opportunities

.If a monthly subscription’s not your thing, but you’d still like to show support — a one-time contribution is always welcome.

No, one cup of coffee won’t fund a full-time writing career…
But it does send a meaningful signal:
“I see what you’re creating, and I want you to keep going.”

And for that — truly — thank you.

---