The Real Reason You’re Not Reaching Your Goals
Part 1: Why Most Goals Are Too Polite to Change You
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
– Mary Oliver
It’s easy to mistake goal setting for personal growth. After all, it feels productive — even noble — to map out where you want to be in one, five, or ten years. Write it down. Break it up. Build a plan. Execute.
But here’s the problem: most goals are too shallow to save you.
They’re not rooted in transformation — they’re rooted in validation.
They don’t disturb your current identity — they decorate it.
We set goals that make sense on paper but do nothing to evolve us into a new person. Goals that score points in conversation but create no internal revolution. Goals that are, in truth, too polite to change you.
And if you're honest, that politeness is exactly what makes them feel safe.
The Two Hidden Lies of Modern Goal Setting
There are two assumptions baked into how most people approach their goals — and both are dead wrong:
If I want it badly enough, I’ll get it.
If I don’t get it, it means I didn’t try hard enough.
These sound motivational. They feel empowering. But they’re just the same performance-optimized drivel repackaged with prettier fonts and bullet journaling hashtags.
Here’s what those two assumptions hide:
Wanting is cheap. Becoming is expensive.
Trying is about effort. Becoming is about identity.
You can want to be a writer. But until you rewrite your identity to be a writer — and shape your daily systems, mental habits, and internal dialogue accordingly — you’re not a writer. You’re a fan of writing.
You can try to lose weight. But if your identity is still “I’m a stress eater who hates working out,” you’ll sabotage every gym membership and meal plan you touch.
We’ve mistaken desire for direction.
The Real Reason You’re Not Reaching Your Goals
The real reason you’re stuck isn’t because you’re unmotivated or undisciplined. It’s because your goals exist on the surface level of your life.
They sit atop the real drivers of change:
Your self-concept
Your internal narrative
Your fear structure
Your emotional relationship with failure
Your ability to delay short-term validation for long-term transformation
Most people skip right over these. Why? Because they hurt.
It’s much easier to make a SMART goal than it is to question your core beliefs about who you are and what you deserve.
Let me say that again: Most people would rather set a goal than confront their identity.
So we settle for shallow objectives with low emotional stakes. We choose goals that don’t challenge the way we see ourselves, the way we interpret failure, or the way we respond to resistance. And when we don’t achieve them, we blame our effort.
But deep down, we know the truth:
We weren’t willing to become the version of ourselves required to reach the goal.
Polite Goals vs. Transformational Goals
Polite goals are acceptable. They look good on a vision board. They don’t offend your current life. They say:
“I should read more books.”
“I’d like to start a side hustle.”
“I want to get in shape this year.”
“I want to write a book someday.”
They give you a rush of dopamine — and zero traction. They allow you to fantasize about a better life without disturbing the current one.
Transformational goals, on the other hand, are intrusive. They ask something of you. They say:
“I will redefine myself as a disciplined person who trains daily.”
“I am becoming someone who finishes things instead of just starting them.”
“I will endure the discomfort of being seen and criticized — because my voice matters.”
“I am willing to destroy who I am now in service of who I could become.”
Transformational goals require a death — the death of your current self-concept.
And that’s exactly why they work.
The Identity Gap: Why You Sabotage Your Own Goals
You don’t fail to reach your goals because you’re lazy. You fail because you’re loyal — loyal to the version of you that feels safe.
That version doesn’t want to be exposed. Doesn’t want to risk embarrassment. Doesn’t want to let go of the old coping mechanisms that helped you survive in an earlier chapter of life.
So what do you do?
You sabotage. You delay. You build elaborate rationalizations for why this just isn’t the right time. You tell yourself you’ll start when things settle down, when work is less busy, when the stars align.
But here's the inconvenient truth:
Your future self is not born in comfort. It is forged in discomfort, loss, and unfamiliarity.
Reaching a significant goal always feels like dying at first — because the part of you that can’t reach it has to die. The identity. The story. The familiar pattern.
Actualization Isn’t Achievement — It’s Evolution
Abraham Maslow spoke of self-actualization as the highest level of human motivation — becoming all that you are capable of becoming.
What he didn’t say was how violent that process can feel.
Actualization isn’t just about growing into your best self. It’s about grieving your old self. Letting go of the roles you were praised for. Letting go of the habits that numbed your pain. Letting go of the stories that made you feel superior — or broken.
So if you’re stuck in a cycle of starting and stalling…
If your journal is full of goals and dreams that haven’t seen daylight…
If you keep mistaking inspiration for transformation…
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Your goal isn’t failing you. You’re failing to become the person who could carry it.
Coming in Part 2: How to Create Goals That Evolve You
In Part 2 (below), we’ll get tactical:
How to write goals that confront your current identity
How to spot the internal resistance that sabotages progress
How to design systems that align with your future self
And how to shift from “I want this” to “I am this”
But for now, ask yourself:
Am I choosing goals that transform me or just entertain me?
Am I building a life — or just curating a resume?
Do my goals require me to become someone I’ve never been before?
Because if they don’t… they probably won’t change you.
Part 2 is for paid subscribers. However, if you are interested in reading about the tactical recommendations but cannot currently pay for a membership, I’ll take care of you - no questions asked.